So trying to conceive my first was immediate. We agreed to start in August and by end of September I was pregnant. I expected the same the second time around especially when my pap came back normal as they always have. Except month after month I kept being defeated by the sight of blood - sometimes on time and sometimes late which didn’t help as I kept getting false hope only to bleed again. I went to the doctor, and again, everything looked great. “Healthiest I’ve seen” is what I was told and then sex became a schedule to keep with an immense amount of pressure to “make it stick.” Needless to say I thought I was broken and couldn’t understand why it didn’t come natural and fast as it did the first time. I knew my body changes with age and especially post pregnancy, but my mind went to the worst case. Six months later, what felt like an eternity, I was finally pregnant. I feared everyday that since it took so long to get here that something would go wrong.
I’m happy I was wrong but it doesn’t change the fact that pregnancy from TTC to post partum to motherhood is a mental battle as much as it is physical, if not more. And some things that happen just don’t have an explanation. It’s a blessing, it’s amazing, it’s the best thing. But it’s an injustice to overlook the fact that it’s also taxing on you, the paranoia and anxiety that comes out of nowhere when you never dealt with it before. That feeling that it’s all on you and if something goes wrong or isn’t perfect or as depicted in the media/tv, it’s your fault and you’re a failure. With all that I went through and all that I know though, I still wouldn’t trade it for the world. So grateful & blessed to have my mini best friends.